If you’ve ever thought about taking relationship advice from women’s magazines, there’s one thing you should know: don’t. Mike Burns and Mike Bridenstine are the Gentlemen Scumbags, and they’re here to fix what’s wrong with your relationships and dating life. Each week, they’ll be breaking down the dating advice from some of your favorite ladies’ magazines and websites from the perspective of an actual, real-life scumbag. This week’s terrifying tips were brought to us by Cosmo; Click here for more terrible advice.
“Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.” - Jakob, 28
- Dad: I guess we're having ham not turkey
- Me: For what? Christmas? Where? I thought you were joking about that.
- Dad: Here. You're brother and his girlfriend are coming
- Me: Seriously? We don't even have an oven or a table. Where are we going to eat?
- Dad. Croak pot. Moms cleaning
- Me: oh. ok. great.
lespritdelescaliermonami asked: Nobody would suspect a frog of murder. I'll buy you the gun so long as you only use it while dressed as a frog.
Oh that reminds me, I want a frog for xmas too.
- Yesterday as I was walking home from work, an older man I was passing on the sidewalk stopped and yelled, "WOOOOOOOOOOOO!...........................NICE TITS!..............................ARE THEY REAL?" I didn't acknowledge him whatsoever and continued walking , ignoring him like the invisible piece of street shit he is. The point of me sharing this with you is because I want a gun for christmas. Please buy me a gun for christmas. GIVE ME A GUN
These fucking Japs were all, “Let’s go to Hawaii and fuck up some American shit.”
So they did.
America was all, “Those fuckers just blew up our coolest ships.”
Everybody was PISSED!
Then FDR goes on the radio and is all, “This fucking day sucked.”
Then there was a war.